i really do not understand human beings at all

wordsandturds:

i am being very serious. i sit here and write about my heart and my relationships with people, but i don’t understand any of it. you guys know me by now—i’m smart, and i value intimacy in all forms, and genuine human connection.

so why doesn’t everyone just do what they want to do and say exactly what they mean?

once i met this man on the internet and he asked me if i wanted to fuck that night. i said yes, so i went over. he was very tall and handsome and smart, and we had nice sex. and afterward, we laid in bed and he did what i now refer to as the “hold & scold” where, during cuddling, he told me (i think in earnest) that in his years of life experience, he just wanted to let me know that a young, smart girl like me, who loves love and people, should probably not sleep with anyone so immediately if she wanted to build something good and sustainable.

and i honestly could not tell which one of us was the idiot.

was it him—so certain that love and good could only grow in one way, and so dismissive of my method and desire? or was it me—so willing to put everything on the table that she loses appeal?

maybe it was both of us. or maybe it was neither, and it wouldn’t matter either way because doesn’t that spell out two parts that don’t fit?

if i am on a first date, and i am having a great time, and i want to have sex, why is there so much fight against doing what i think is right for myself? my ex identified as “a nice guy wrapped in an asshole shell,” but wouldn’t you rather be yourself completely? (turned out he was just layers and layers of douche-bag, but that’s not the point.)

i try to always be honest with other people about my desires and my fears. maybe that means i am shooting myself in the foot when i am looking for love. maybe that means that i am naive, or making a fool of myself. but at the end of the day, i am rarely weighed down with regret—and isn’t that the point?

maybe it’s not. maybe i’m missing something entirely and i won’t know what it is until i’ve found it.

<3